The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN