The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.