1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.