A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.