her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My dryer is celebrating lint.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.