Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My dad teaching me to drive
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car