Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You Might Also Like
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car