Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
When I laugh on my period
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.