“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The answer is funnier than the question
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Breaking news:
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.