We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.