Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.