Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.