I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Traveler’s camo
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday