nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.