9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
You Might Also Like
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
50 shades of grey = my Liver
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.