[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.