Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Who’s your best friend?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”