Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.