Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Poetry is my passion
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I can’t be the only one 😂
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Simple