Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.