Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
HERE’S MARKY
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.