It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
how long have you had this for?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I have questions??
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*