Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.