Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…