I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Butt weight. There’s more!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.