So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You Might Also Like
They grow up so quick
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches