Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.