If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?