My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.