When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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North and South
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Home is where your toilet is.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok