The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Nice try Hitler
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I don’t make the rules sorry
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When you try jalapeños for the first time