If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.