I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
a lot to unpack here
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*