PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Ken is short for chicken
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted