There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??