[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
A roof is a house hat.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
eggs benadryl
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I feel this so hard
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”