My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*