Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.