The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter