Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left