Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun