I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
? 💀
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The booster protects against what, now?