THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick