If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: