i wish all
whales
a very
big
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it