Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.