My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
True?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
ugh not again
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.