Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
January has been Januweary