*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep