If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.